I never knew until today that I've been in denial for the past six years...desparately trying to hold on to you by focusing as hard as I could on all the things we could do if only we had one more hour together, childhood memories of pillow fights and sugar water, so many many things I wanted to tell you but never got the chance...but never accepting reality, never freeing you or myself. Sometimes, I actually wondered if there was something wrong with my ability to feel - why I never cried like everyone else did that day. I bottled up all of my feelings instead of just expressing them because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't acknowledge the fact that all along I had been trying to convince myself that somehow this isn't real, that things would somehow go back to the way they were when we were young. How is it possible to hold onto so much pain disguised by delusion, yet pretend like everything is normal? I guess I've learned that sometimes when left to our own devices maybe that's the only way we know how to survive. Here and now, I can finally say that I accept your passing from this physical plane. This is the first step toward closing the hole that I've felt in my heart for so long where your physical presence was supposed to reside. When I think of you, just I want to be able to feel joy again and now I know that I can.
Thank you for all the beauty you brought into my life, for always believing in me, and for always being so gentle, patient and kind to me no matter what I did. You showed me how to look at people and see their hearts, the importance of living every day to the fullest, and taught me that nothing is impossible to attain in life.
No matter where life took you during your time here, you were always a child of God, and so you shall be remembered as such.
From one of your little sisters who loves you unconditionally,
-Dominique
Lamont Dejohn Sallier ~ 11/26/73 - 7/04/05
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